Living Amends

It's been close to 40 years and I still have a tough time talking about my first dog Jason.  You see, I was 19 years old and due to circumstances beyond our control, my sweet dog needed to be put down.

This is still a major heartache and regret for me, as you see, I was emotionally unable to be with Jason when he needed me most.   I rarely talk about this event as I feel ashamed that I just dropped Jason off at the vet and left  him to take his final journey on his own.

I know many would say, ridiculous, he was just a dog, but he wasn't!  I've always been a freak about my dogs, because I have deeply connected with each on a soul level, and all have given me so much joy and happiness in various stages of my life.  Jason was my first connection with unconditional love.

With my 6 dogs that have followed Jason, I have taken small steps to right the wrong and to slowly learn tools to lean into the pain and uneasiness of escorting my dogs on their final journey.

It wasn't until June 18, 2024, that I truly feel I had completely made an amends to Jason.  As Lucy was painfully trying to leave her body, I responded only with love and compassion, leaving my thoughts and fears, and focusing on her and loving her through her end.  

I am so grateful that I could finally be fully present through Lucy's end-of-life experience, cuddling, kissing, crying, and hugging her body, for close to an hour.  Our family was able to honor her, even if some of them were not here physically.  We focused all of our loving attention on Lucy and her life, while also honoring and expressing our heartache and pain.

These memories fill my heart and comfort me, as we were all able to come together, be in the moment, experience the pain, and continue to walk through various and conflicting emotions, one day at a time.

Thank you Jason for teaching me what is of importance through end-of-life, and that is for loved ones to bring peace, serenity, and to be fully and emotionally present in these profound life experiences.