Tethered in Love and in Grief

​Honoring the grief.

I want to avoid, push it away, leave it behind and place it in a tidy box hidden deep down, where it won't see daylight. 

I want to say I’m ok, but right now I am not. The problem with grief denial is that it will catch up and return, eventually.  So....I’ve been sitting with it. At times, deep guttural cries. Hyperventilating with grief and disbelief. Honoring the love and the gigantic hole that is in my guy and in heart.

My love for Lucy deserves my grief.  It's not wrong for me to honor what she means to me, and the void that has appeared since her death. The routine of past 5 years. Staying close. Willingly making sure her needs were met. As these needs changed, so did my routine of care.

Im not going to lie, it was hard. There were times when I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and being tethered. But then….Lucy would look into my soul, with those sweet eyes and kissable button nose, and I would witness her willingness to stay around.

She bounced back from many near death experiences…. more than a cat with 9 lives. Her continuous desire to live, and find joy, even as her body shifted. She still demanded going for walks…. they just became shorter in distance.  She still devoured her food, even on the last night.  There was no indication that Lucy was ready.  

Lucy loved her walk, and of course, when I didn’t dress properly for the weather, this is when Lucy decided she’d stroll for a long time on her “Lucy Highway”, usually in frigid weather. It was the joke in our family that Lucy was always sure of what she wanted, and more often than not, she got her little heart’s desire. I always said, especially in last few years… as long as Lucy wasn’t in pain and she still had joy, I would be her companion, her retirement community, and on occasion her full-time nurse.

Then, on the early morning of June 18, Lucy’s body and soul loudly declared that it was time. Luckily Pat and I had talked about EOL options and it was very clear that it was time, and that she needed help to die. Thank God (of my understanding) that our caring vet was able to get here within 45 minutes and lovingly and compassionately helped Lucy to ease out of her pain.

Lucy died in my arms, and I cuddled with her for an hour, stroking her hair, kissing her head and loving her until it was time for her to leave to the crematorium. We swaddled Lucy in a warm soft blanket, and I carried her to the vets car, where I gently placed her in the back ,with her head exposed and placed on soft blanket. We all watched, including Kona, as the vet slowly drove away…. Crying the ugly cry for our beloved Lucy whom graced us with her life got the past 19+ years.

As heartbroken as I am, I’m so grateful for every moment of Lucy, and I am in deep gratitude that I was finally able to walk, without thinking of myself, with some equanimity to gracefully walk my beloved Lucy home.