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This video may be difficult to watch, but what Donovan Tavera provides is a service that brings comfort and peace for families of those that have died.
Donovan does what most of us cannot imagine doing ~ he provides a service for those that are in disbelief and hurting emotionally. What a selfless gift he offers to others, and he does so with grace and kindness.
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 About Kelly:
Kelly lives in Minneapolis Minnesota, and is the proud mother of 2 children and 2 dogs. She is happily married and feels grateful for a meaningful career. For 28 years, Kelly has worked in the field of oncology, palliative care and hospice. She has also worked both, inpatient in a large hospital system, and in a private psychotherapy practice, focusing on grief, loss and oncology. In addition to, Kelly is also an author of the book, A Comforted Heart. Dying Is Not Giving Up ~ A documentary that Kelly co-produced: Recently, Kelly has had the incredible honor to co-produce the documentary, “Dying is Not Giving Up”, which features Judy, who is dying of metastatic breast cancer, and her intimate talks with her psychotherapist, Kelly. Judy's beautiful spirit and poise, brilliantly illustrates the importance of openly talking about dying, even though these are very difficult conversations to have. Kelly, and her team, originally produced this film for educational training for future medical providers. However, they have quickly learned that Judy’s wisdom and light goes beyond just this particular outreach. In addition to, current practicing providers are also seeing the benefit in this film, which is hopeful, because society will learn to advance their willingness to talk about death and dying. Judy’s beautiful legacy is reaching far beyond Kelly's team original intent. It is so powerful that audiences are often in awe after viewing. If you have the opportunity, please see this documentary, and then begin having your necessary conversations! Kelly's Inspiration For Her Work: The death of Kelly's mother, Sandy, when she was just 11 years old, is the driving force to a career in grief and end of life. Sandy was only 33 when she died, and Kelly knows her medical team was incredibly hopeful that she would recover from her heart attack. However, because of their need to remain hopeful, and the inability to consult with an end of life team, the medical staff focused only on “saving her life.” Kelly, witnessed her mother "code" a couple times, and this too, has certainly been the impetus for Kelly's continued advocacy to create a different end of life story than her mother and her family experienced. In the 80’s, the world was not good at end of life discussions and wishes, so the medical staff were not aware of what Sandy's medical wishes were. Kelly noted that it was her family, that had to ask the physicians to stop the inappropriate actions to try to save her mother's life. Kelly's family felt that the continued focus of saving her mothers life, at any expense, would at best, end up with a once fiercely independent woman, that would become completely dependent on others for all of her cares. Conversations With Kelly (CWK): A platform founded by Kelly, where individuals, families and loved ones, can go to heal from loss, and to gain wisdom, through Conversations With Kelly. Kelly understands there is a certain heaviness that is associated with human suffering, and that none of us want to sign up for this. However, as scary as it is to talk about things that feed uncertainty, Kelly's missions at CWK is to minimize suffering. It is her hope that others will get involved in her online events or on her page, and that people will feel less alone and more supported. Kelly shares that "it has been so beautiful to watch others connect, without ever meeting in person (during this pandemic). We are born for connection". Kelly believe that people will have a safe place when they visit CWK, both online and in person, when the events are eventually live. Kelly and her team are encourage that people that visit her site, are able to form connections in a like-minded community, that embraces each other, no matter why they come. Kelly says "since my patients have been my greatest teachers over the years, it has been a privilege to learn from the best and share these teachings with a larger audience". Instagram @CWKheals https://www.facebook.com/CWKHEALS/ I love learning about different customs and rituals around the world, as death is a universal event that will happen to each of us. We cannot escape it, out run it, or outspend it. It is a fact, and it's imperative that we all start engaging in these conversations.
"This month’s conversation in our series exploring religion and death is with Jacob Kehinde Olupona, a professor of African religious traditions at Harvard Divinity School." "Death as a palpable force looms large in the Yoruba religious and social consciousness. From cosmology to various ritual practices and genres of oral traditions such as proverbs, poetry and short stories are all brought to bear on the reality of death. Not a day goes by that speakers of the Yoruba language do not make mention of death as both a phenomenon and a certainty". What would happen if we all chose to find a way to talk about death, dying and grief? Would we learn to be more comfortable with such events? Would we learn that these conversations are not taboo, but yet they are all a natural, fact of life? Please reach out to begin your own journey with end of life matters. "Vantage Hospice in Houston saw substantial growth in its patient census during the COVID-19 pandemic, which the company in part attributes to a rising number of patients with advance care plans. Vantage is now calling for initiatives to make advance care planning a standard medical practice".
"The company’s administrator Nicole Knight contends that expanding advance care planning would help bring patients under the wings of hospice earlier in the course of their illnesses". When most people hear the words "Hospice", they tend to think dying is right around the corner. This is simply not true. What is true is that doctors and health professionals tend to mention hospice at the very end. Thus by the time someone enters hospice, they are at the very last stages of dying. However, if more people would start having Advance Care Planning conversations with their families and loved ones, it would most often make clear that most would want to have care that brings comfort and aid to the dying and their families. “Advance care plans provide direction to physicians and loved ones in the midst of a medical crisis,” Knight said “So many patients could have had the opportunity to die comfortably at home instead of alone in the hospital if advance care plans were a standard practice.” In addition, most people would prefer to die in the comfort of their home, surrounded by loved ones, all while being comforted and in limited pain. "Advance care planning has been shown to have a significant impact on the quality and experience of life’s final stages, yet broaching these conversations with patients and families involves breaking down walls around end-of-life care. Advocates nationwide are calling for improved strategies to bring the conversation of death into a new light and shift the culture of dying in America". Please seek out a professional, possibly a Death Doula, that can help to discover what is truly important when nearing the end of life, and what the wishes of the dying are. The more knowledge we gain from having a necessary conversation, the more we feel in control and fear is lessened. I love this sentence on The Departure Lounge's website! It is very interesting to pay attention to the language most of us use when talking about death - lost the battle, succumbed to the illness, passed away, etc. Why not say death? The more we normalize these words, the more we can speak with compassion and integrity.
"There are many things to think about when it comes to the end of life. Emotionally, how can we come to terms with death? Practically, how can we best prepare for dying? Talking to friends, family and health professionals is an important step". "Although around a third of us think about death or dying at least once a week, most people find it hard to talk about. Not just with family and friends, but also with the doctors and healthcare professionals that care for us at the end of life". The Departure Lounge is another tool to be used to discover what a good death has meant for others, and to think about what it might mean for you. After checking it out, please reach out to a death doula or death midwife, as they have been trained to offer compassionate conversations and care when talking about end of life. "Life Support takes users on a visual journey from greyed-out visuals to multi-coloured information, featuring such as tips on how to talk to children about death and audio clips from experts in palliative care".
"While Life Support is an online tool that people can use alone, it aims to help its users continue conversations about death offline as well". Although I think it is great that there are so many different ways to help individuals and loved ones to start the conversations around death, dying and grief, I don't want to rely on tools that may take the "humanity" out of End of Life conversations. Death is a natural and normal part of life, and the more we learn to be comfortable with discussing all aspects of it, the more we can be emotionally present for the dying. When we are more present, we can focus of loving and supporting everyone involved, which in turn, encourages healing and comfort. "Long-term-care staff are so swamped with COVID-19 protocols that end-of-life discussions aren’t occurring with residents and families, says a McMaster University professor. Sharon Kaasalainen, a professor in the school of nursing, says she’s hearing from families that they’re feeling excluded from decisions about their loved one’s care".
Covid is putting so much extra stress on the health care providers, and the families of the critically ill. This additional stress is causing harm for everyone involved, from the dying, to the families, to the medical support staff. Covid has made it very clear to all, that we as individuals and as family, are not prepared for these kind of conversations. It is also showing how waiting until a medical crisis, is not the time to start to have these conversations. By working together, we can help to bring understanding and compassionate care back to the End of Life experiences. "Death doulas are slowly shifting the way that society perceives mortality".
People often tell me they highly "dislike" (this is a nice word for what they say) the term Death Doula. This isn't surprising because we are a death phobic society, so any mention death is seen as morbid and distasteful. However, death is a part of life....a very natural part of life. Why do we use language, such as lost or passed? Why are we opposed to death and dying? The more we normalize End of Life matters (death, dying, after death and grief) the better we can get in touch with our relationships with death. Reach out to begin to normalize a very natural part of life. "Families of older people dying of progressive chronic disease often feel insufficiently informed about the course of the illness, so when death occurs it can be felt as a surprise. However, this misperception of an ‘unexpected death’ could be minimized if only we provided our patients and their loved ones with information that includes an overall estimation of time to death".
Why do we often wait until someone is dying or until there is a medical emergency to talk about our End of Life wishes? Does it make sense to wait? The fact is, we are all going to die - most of us just do not know when. Take the time now, while you are of clear mind and start thinking about what is important to you, not only now, but for when the "unexpected" occurs. Normalizing End of Life conversations is what A Necessary Conversation does. Please reach out to begin your journey today. "The COVID pandemic has brought new urgency to the need for end-of-life planning".
"If you're looking for a unique gift for Valentine's Day, you might consider giving some peace of mind -- by deciding and sharing what type care you'd want in a health crisis". Planning for a future health crisis is not easy, but it is necessary. Please contact Dee Dee to begin preparing now......or give this as a Valentine, birthday, anniversary gift! Just don't wait! "Key Takeaways
"Researchers out of Johns Hopkins University analyzed data from the National Health and Aging Trends Study (NHATS) of Medicare beneficiaries with and without cognitive impairment who died at 65 or older to see if place of death affected their satisfaction of end-of-life care". As you have read in the previous articles, Covid has shifted families wishes to have their loved ones die at home. If you read this article, it points out that dying at home often leaders to more satisfactions in end of life care. I don't know about you, but I opt for better end of life care, and if possible, to die in my home, surrounded by those I love. I know this isn't for everyone, but again, this is why its so important to to Advanced Care Planning now, and update it every few years, or after a significant life event, so that your medical wishes are taken care of. This article is very similar to the one above, however, this is from the perspective of a Mortuary owner, Brian Simmons.
"He understands all too well why people are choosing to die at home: His own 49-year-old daughter succumbed to the coronavirus just before Christmas at a Springfield hospital, where the family only got phone updates as her condition deteriorated". “The separation part is really rough, rough rough,” said Simmons. “My daughter went to the hospital and we saw her once through the glass when they put her on the ventilator, and then we never saw her again until after she died.” "Before the pandemic, hospice workers cared for patients dying of heart disease, cancer, dementia and other terminal illnesses in long-term care facilities and, to a lesser extent, home settings. Many families hesitated to go the die-at-home route because of the many logistical challenges, including work schedules and complicated medical needs". The article makes the very valid point, that regardless if you want to die at home, or in a facility/hospital, these wishes needs to be written and discussed with loved ones and the Health Care Agent. Could End of Life Doula's becoming mainstream? Not too fast, but it's a good start.
The Rev. Gail Cantor, director of spiritual life at Endicott College, will visit "The Morning Show" on Thursday, Feb. 11, to talk about her training as an end-of-life doula. Check out the links below: "The Morning Show" airs Thursday at 9 a.m. on Channel 9 and WJOP (FM 96.3) and livestreams on YouTube (click on YouTube at NCMHub.org). After broadcast, look on the YouTube Playlist for “The Morning Show.” "Each show also airs on WJOP on Friday at 8 a.m. and the following Tuesday at 4 p.m. and Wednesday at 3 p.m., and is available on the Sound Cloud (click on the cloud at NCMHub.org)". "More Americans are making the decision to have their terminally ill loved ones die at home rather than in nursing home and hospice settings. For many families, home is a better setting than the terrifying scenario of saying farewell to loved ones behind glass or during video calls amid the coronavirus pandemic".
As this pandemic has shown all of us......life is very fragile and highly unpredictable. Lets take the lessons we have learned from this pandemic, and start taking action to be better prepared in our End Of Life decision making, no matter where you and your loved ones are in the life spectrum. 
What was the inspiration for End-of-Life University? As a former hospice medical director, Dr. Wyatt spent most of her career focusing on the challenging times of life. She understands what it’s like to deal with life-limiting illness and what it takes to meet those challenges face-to-face and still find meaning, joy and love in life. She started End-of-Life University because there is a desperate need for education in our society about all aspects of the end of life, from the importance of advance directives, to care options for the dying, funeral and burial alternatives, and grief and bereavement assistance for loved ones. She wants to improve the way we care for the dying in our society, decrease the fear of death and help people live fully even in the midst of suffering. Tell us more about EOL U: End-of-Life University provides multiple access points for educational resources about death and dying that can reach all interested members of our society--from lay people to professionals, youth to elders--through interviews, articles, podcasts, books, videos, and teleseminars. In addition, EOLU serves as an information hub where providers in one discipline of care can connect with other workers in their own field or learn about current practices in other areas of end-of-life care.What are the many benefits EOLU offers?
What would you like others to know about EOL U? The entire movement to improve care at the end of life grows stronger when we can network and build bonds between us. End-of-Life University is committed to collaboration, connection, and co-creating with all who are working toward this shared goal. In your experience, what keeps people from using your organization and talking about death, dying and grief? Most people avoid talking about death, dying and grief because of their fear of the unknown. Since our society shields us from exposure to normal and universal experiences of death as part of life, we don’t have the opportunity to develop a comfort level with the subject, which causes great harm. Even one simple conversation about death can begin to open a person’s heart and mind to be more receptive and less fearful about the end of life. Please tell us more about your own story with death and dying: My own exploration of death and dying occurred after the tragic suicide death of my father many years ago. From the depths of my grief I decided to become a hospice volunteer and pursued that work for most of my medical career. There I learned the spiritual lessons I needed in order to heal my grief and also to begin living life in a new way: fully present to each moment and able to love, forgive, and “go with the flow” through all of life’s challenges. I’ve been deeply inspired to share this wisdom through my books and podcasts in hopes that others will be blessed by it as well. Transformational Teaching with Dr. Karen Wyatt - Spiritual MD Death Doula's, "just like birth doulas, use their emotional support to bring life into this world", but death doulas assist in the dying.
"The work of a death doula is something one feels called to, she says, deep in one’s soul, and many death doulas have been assisting people who are grieving or terminally ill long before they even recognised the gifts they have to offer.Usually, you will find death doulas began their journey as grief counsellors, members of a church or temple, social workers, healers or life coaches". Varsha Sukhu, Death Doula, "believes that death doulas can provide a sense of comfort, kindness and peace that often go beyond counseling and coaching, they have witnessed death, heard many grief stories and have tons of compassion for those on their deathbeds, those coming to terms with a terminal illness and bereaved family members". Do not wait until you, or a loved one, is nearing end of life to reach out to a Death Doula. We have so much to offer, regardless of where you are in your life journey. I too, was unsure of the title "Strengthening the business case for a better way to die"....... yikes. This sounds so clinical and business-like. However, this article states "Many Americans die in hospitals or some type of nursing facility, where staff is more attuned to keeping people alive than giving them a peaceful death". When one is near the end of life, most dying do not want to be kept alive, they do, however, would like to die in a peaceful atmosphere, where loved ones are near and the environment is calm and peaceful.
Hopewell House, in Portland, was an inpatient hospice home, but "changes to Medicare and Medicaid had made it harder for physicians to justify inpatient hospice such as the kind facilities like Hopewell House provided." Eventually Hopewell House, and other similar residential hospitals, had to close its door due to financial reasons. Luckily, there is a movement where these kind of facilities are looking to the subtle change from being deemed a hospital to being deemed as a residential care facility. People familiar with these organizations feel these changes create a space "where everyone from the caregivers to the housekeepers is attuned to the fact that their patients are dying", and this is a very sacred moment that often gets lost in a hospital setting. Form more information, click on the bottom below.  What was the inspiration for End-of-Life University?
As a former hospice medical director, Dr. Wyatt spent most of her career focusing on the challenging times of life. She understands what it’s like to deal with life-limiting illness and what it takes to meet those challenges face-to-face and still find meaning, joy and love in life. She started End-of-Life University because there is a desperate need for education in our society about all aspects of the end of life, from the importance of advance directives, to care options for the dying, funeral and burial alternatives, and grief and bereavement assistance for loved ones. She wants to improve the way we care for the dying in our society, decrease the fear of death and help people live fully even in the midst of suffering. Tell us more about EOL U: End-of-Life University provides multiple access points for educational resources about death and dying that can reach all interested members of our society--from lay people to professionals, youth to elders--through interviews, articles, podcasts, books, videos, and teleseminars. In addition, EOLU serves as an information hub where providers in one discipline of care can connect with other workers in their own field or learn about current practices in other areas of end-of-life care.What are the many benefits EOLU offers?
What would you like others to know about EOL U? The entire movement to improve care at the end of life grows stronger when we can network and build bonds between us. End-of-Life University is committed to collaboration, connection, and co-creating with all who are working toward this shared goal. In your experience, what keeps people from using your organization and talking about death, dying and grief? Most people avoid talking about death, dying and grief because of their fear of the unknown. Since our society shields us from exposure to normal and universal experiences of death as part of life, we don’t have the opportunity to develop a comfort level with the subject, which causes great harm. Even one simple conversation about death can begin to open a person’s heart and mind to be more receptive and less fearful about the end of life. Please tell us more about your own story with death and dying: My own exploration of death and dying occurred after the tragic suicide death of my father many years ago. From the depths of my grief I decided to become a hospice volunteer and pursued that work for most of my medical career. There I learned the spiritual lessons I needed in order to heal my grief and also to begin living life in a new way: fully present to each moment and able to love, forgive, and “go with the flow” through all of life’s challenges. I’ve been deeply inspired to share this wisdom through my books and podcasts in hopes that others will be blessed by it as well. Transformational Teaching with Dr. Karen Wyatt - Spiritual MD "DEAR ABBY: My mother died two years ago. Both of my parents traveled extensively before their declining health prevented it. They purchased a prepaid cremation package that included shipping the cremains back to their home. My mother was cremated, but we had to wait more than six weeks for her cremains so we could have a funeral. Waiting for the funeral devastated my dad. While he was able to communicate and make decisions, he stated that he did not want to be cremated. So I took Dad to a funeral home and selected a funeral package that included a traditional burial, and called to cancel the cremation package. My sibling, who is the power of attorney, talked him out of it and reactivated the package!"
What a story.....although it not necessarily an uncommon story. How many times have you heard of family members fighting because the wishes of the dying were not clear to everyone involved? It is important to realize that when completing an Advance Directive (AD) and picking A Health Care Advocate (HCA), its invaluable to have loved ones know and understand what the dying's wishes are. This helps to avoid confusion and animosity among people that are meaningful to the dying. Please do not quickly complete AD and HCA. Take your time, work with a skilled advocate, be thoughtful about wishes and share this information with loved ones. "The initial concept of the book was to give JJ something tangible to have once he died, Thomas said".
"Thomas hoped the book bared a legacy and gave JJ “a more persistent sense that he was loved and cared about”. What a beautiful gift Thomas is leaving for JJ. Don't we all want to leave some kind of legacy (no, I am not talking about money) with our loved ones. Start planning what important and meaningful gifts you can share with others so that they can remain connected to you, even after you die. "In 2020, one third of all Canadians (34%) said they had broached subjects surrounding end-of-life planning such as making or updating their will, deciding on their end-of-life wishes, and estate planning. More than a third (37%) said getting their end-of-life affairs in order – including updating or writing a will, funeral planning, and having tough family discussions around estate planning – will be a priority for them this year".
So interesting that 1/3 of Canadians have talked about End of Life subjects. I do not have current statistics for Americans, but we do know that America is a largely death, and grief phobic, society. Most Americans do not see the need to have such conversations, but if Covid has helped us understand end of life, it has brought to the forefront the importance of having such conversations. “The needs and expectations of Canadians are changing when it comes to planning for end-of-life – but it's important not only to think about one's final wishes, but to ensure they are known and understood.” Another important point is that even if you have planned for most aspects at end of life, it is imperative that loved ones know, and understand, what your wishes are. If they do not, there will not be anyone to advocate for you when you most need it. Please take the opportunity to get your "affairs in order". "Just as birth doulas help expectant parents bring new life into the world, end-of-life doulas help the dying cope with their next journey. They help the dying and their survivors face death with empowerment and affirmation instead of fear and anxiety".
In the 1970's people were just beginning to hear about "birth doulas". At the time, people were wary and confused as to what a birth doula was. As the years have passed, birth doulas are more common place, especially for the pregnant women that want to be comforted in the body, mind and soul aspects when giving birth. Death Doulas, or End of Life Doula's, are somewhat new, however this kind of service is gaining traction for those individuals and families that want to experience the living, dying and death in a deeper and more profound way. If you are interested in getting more information, please reach out. "The 124 nurses from the Hospice and Palliative Nurses Association who responded to an online survey said patients are often more consumed with worries about how their families will fare after their deaths than they are with their own fates".
Have you taken the time to enrich your relations with loved ones? Please do not wait until someone is sick to repair and reinvest in these relationships. Take the time to openly discuss what fears and hopes you have as a family, especially after a loved one dies. These conversations are imperative to have now, regardless of health, as we do not know what the future holds. I met the creators of The Death Deck several years ago, and have truly enjoyed getting to know them. These ladies have created a much needed product that helps to gets people to talk about death and dying.
This deck of cards has all kinds of End of Life subject matters, and it is a comfortable way to get families and friends to start having these kind of important conversations. Below is a conversation I had with the creators of The Death Deck, Lori LoCicero and Lisa Pahl. o How would you describe The Death Deck? The Death Deck is a game that can be used as either an icebreaker or a tool to get people talking about the topic of death and dying. The mix of both lighthearted and serious questions work in a variety of settings to spark thought-provoking conversation about what many consider to be a difficult or scary subject. o What was, or is, the inspiration for creating The Death Deck? Lisa was the hospice social worker for Lori’s late husband Joe. While Lori and Joe were more prepared on paper than most people in their 40’s, there were very few conversations about their end of life wishes. Because of this, Lori felt unprepared for what Joe would want in his final days and following his death. The Death Deck is the game that Lori wishes she could have played with Joe. o What benefit(s) does The Death Deck card game offer? The Death Deck is a great way to ease people into conversations about death and dying. We use multiple choice questions and a bit of humor to make diving into the topic easier. Because we offer a wide range of questions, the deck can be used for game nights, advance care planning conferences, death doula community engagements, and just about every setting. o What would you like others to know about using The Death Deck card game? We like to encourage anyone using The Death Deck to preview the questions before hosting your game night or event. “Stack the deck” by choosing the cards that you think are best for your audience. To play virtually during these times of COVID, put the questions in the chat box or take a pic of the cards ahead of time and share your screen. o In your experience, what keeps people from using your product, and/or, talking about death, dying and grief? As a culture, we typically shy away from conversations about death, dying and grief. We often take these topics to be very serious and hush hush. The Death Deck aims to normalize that these conversations can be lively, enriching, and connecting. Even in the depths of hard times, there is humor and connections to be found. If you would like more information about The Death Deck, please contact: thedeathdeck@gmail.com The article is based on series of experiments that "compared the blog posts of terminally ill people and the last words of death row inmates to the words of healthy people asked to imagine themselves writing near their death".
"Research has found that old people, young people with serious diagnoses, and people living in uncertain political climates vastly prefer time with old friends and family over new contacts and experiences. The depth of these connections bring meaning to the final days of life in a way that can be hard for healthy people in an externally-focused, future-oriented mindset to comprehend". This shows how important relationships are with those that are dying. If you are nearing the end of your life, or you have a friend or a loved that is, please take the time now to connect with people that bring meaning into your life. There is no time better than the present......Start A Necessary Conversation. |
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