I met the creators of The Death Deck several years ago, and have truly enjoyed getting to know them.  These ladies have created a much needed product that helps to gets people to talk about death and dying.

This deck of cards has all kinds of End of Life subject matters, and it is a comfortable way to get families and friends to start having these kind of important conversations.  

Below is a conversation I had with the creators of The Death Deck, Lori LoCicero and Lisa Pahl.

o   ​ How would you describe The Death Deck?                                  
The Death Deck is a game that can be used as either an icebreaker or a tool to get people talking about the topic of death and dying. The mix of both lighthearted and serious questions work in a variety of settings to spark thought-provoking conversation about what many consider to be a difficult or scary subject.

o   ​ What was, or is, the inspiration for creating The Death Deck?​                                   
Lisa was the hospice social worker for Lori’s late husband Joe. While Lori and Joe were more prepared on paper than most people in their 40’s, there were very few conversations about their end of life wishes. Because of this, Lori felt unprepared for what Joe would want in his final days and following his death. The Death Deck is the game that Lori wishes she could have played with Joe.  

o   ​ What benefit(s) does The Death Deck card game offer?​        
The Death Deck is a great way to ease people into conversations about death and dying. We use multiple choice questions and a bit of humor to make diving into the topic easier. Because we offer a wide range of questions, the deck can be used for game nights, advance care planning conferences, death doula community engagements, and just about every setting.  

o   What​  would you like others to know about using The Death Deck card game?
We like to encourage anyone using The Death Deck to preview the questions before hosting your game night or event. “Stack the deck” by choosing the cards that you think are best for your audience. To play virtually during these times of COVID, put the questions in the chat box or take a pic of the cards ahead of time and share your screen.  

o   In​ your experience, what keeps people from using your product, and/or, talking about death, dying and grief? 
As a culture, we typically shy away from conversations about death, dying and grief. We often take these topics to be very serious and hush hush. The Death Deck aims to normalize that these conversations can be lively, enriching, and connecting. Even in the depths of hard times, there is humor and connections to be found.  
 
If you would like more information about The Death Deck, please contact: thedeathdeck@gmail.com​     ​

The article is based on series of experiments that  "compared the blog posts of terminally ill people and the last words of death row inmates to the words of healthy people asked to imagine themselves writing near their death".

"Research has found that old people, young people with serious diagnoses, and people living in uncertain political climates vastly prefer time with old friends and family over new contacts and experiences. The depth of these connections bring meaning to the final days of life in a way that can be hard for healthy people in an externally-focused, future-oriented mindset to comprehend".

This shows how important relationships are with those that are dying.  If you are nearing the end of your life, or you have a friend or a loved that is, please take the time now to connect with people that bring meaning into your life.
There is no time better than the present......Start A Necessary Conversation.

As this article states....most people don't like to talk about death.......but guess what, death is not optional.

So, if death is not optional, and it's a 100% guaranteed, what are we going to do to examine and prepare for it?

Below are are some ideas this article examines on how to prepare for end of life:
1 .  Don’t leave a mess        2.  Clean out your emotional attic      3.  Mend important relationships    
4. Leave a markTake it from the two experts, BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger, that wrote this article.  This advice follows A Necessary Conversations 3E's.  Begin now to start making your plan and call an expert to help.

Thinking about End of Life planning is difficult, because this is uncharted territory.   However, the more you can learn and engage in EOL conversations, the better prepared you, and your loved ones will be.  This preparation allows you to be more emotionally present, when in a life or death moment.

Take the time to look at this article, and begin acquainting yourself with these four question ~

1. Who Do You Want to Designate to Make Medical Decisions on Your Behalf When You Are Unable to Make Them?
2. What Kind of Medical Treatment Do You, or Don't You, Want to Have?
3. As You Reach the End of Your Life, Do You Want to Die at Home or Is Hospice Care, Including Palliative Care, an Option for You?
4. Are You Willing or Unwilling to Donate Your Organs or Tissues to Other People Whose Quality of Life Will Be Improved by Their Use?

Of course, these are just a few  of End of Life questions, but it's a great beginning.

I met the creators of The Death Deck several years ago, and have truly enjoyed getting to know them.  These ladies have created a much needed product that helps to gets people to talk about death and dying.

This deck of cards has all kinds of End of Life subject matters, and it is a comfortable way to get families and friends to start having these kind of important conversations.  

Below is, A Necessary Conversation, with the creators of The Death Deck, Lori LoCicero and Lisa Pahl.

o   ​ How would you describe The Death Deck?                                  
The Death Deck is a game that can be used as either an icebreaker or a tool to get people talking about the topic of death and dying. The mix of both lighthearted and serious questions work in a variety of settings to spark thought-provoking conversation about what many consider to be a difficult or scary subject.

o   ​ What was, or is, the inspiration for creating The Death Deck?​                                   
Lisa was the hospice social worker for Lori’s late husband Joe. While Lori and Joe were more prepared on paper than most people in their 40’s, there were very few conversations about their end of life wishes. Because of this, Lori felt unprepared for what Joe would want in his final days and following his death. The Death Deck is the game that Lori wishes she could have played with Joe.  

o   ​ What benefit(s) does The Death Deck card game offer?​        
The Death Deck is a great way to ease people into conversations about death and dying. We use multiple choice questions and a bit of humor to make diving into the topic easier. Because we offer a wide range of questions, the deck can be used for game nights, advance care planning conferences, death doula community engagements, and just about every setting.  

o   What​  would you like others to know about using The Death Deck card game?
We like to encourage anyone using The Death Deck to preview the questions before hosting your game night or event. “Stack the deck” by choosing the cards that you think are best for your audience. To play virtually during these times of COVID, put the questions in the chat box or take a pic of the cards ahead of time and share your screen.  

o   In​ your experience, what keeps people from using your product, and/or, talking about death, dying and grief? 
As a culture, we typically shy away from conversations about death, dying and grief. We often take these topics to be very serious and hush hush. The Death Deck aims to normalize that these conversations can be lively, enriching, and connecting. Even in the depths of hard times, there is humor and connections to be found.  
 
If you would like more information about The Death Deck, please contact: thedeathdeck@gmail.com​     

Most people find it difficult to:
1) Speak about death, dying and grief
2) Understand why these conversations should be had
3) See the importance of such conversations

When we do not speak about End of Life experiences, we often deny the importance that such matters have had on our lives, even if they happened decades ago.

The conversations help us to normalize a very natural part of our lives.  The more we engage, the more comfortable we become and the less we make decisions based in fear.

It is important that we have these conversations with family and loved ones so we understand how we each may want a different end of life experience.  Each person is an individual, and so will be there wishes for their final journey.

A Necessary Conversation encourages everyone to begin these conversations now.   The article attached gives some useful information on how to start discussing EOL care.   Please check it out.

If we can practice letting go on a daily basis and stop gripping tightly to the outcomes, chances are we will experience peace.

If we start a contemplative practice, in which we embrace the silence and stillness of our inner minds, then odds are we will struggle less.

If our struggles become more of a surrender, then we make space for stillness.

Stillness allows us to be comfortable with the silent space that will accompany us in our final journey.

"The contemplative way thrusts us into the beautiful struggle of embracing the unknown and losing the need to control".

Embracing stillness takes practice.

Stillness, allows us to go deep within our inner minds.  

When we embrace silence, we receive many gifts, such as:

• Paying attention to what we surround ourselves with, 
• Discovering our true essence,
• Awareness of how you interact with others 
• Becoming conscious of our reactions vs. our responses.

"Breathe. Contemplate. Then do. Or don’t do. But choose before the reaction".

"If we strive to transform our collective isolation into an opportunity for communal solitude, we might discover that it is, as it has always been, the seedbed for growth in holiness and wholeness, for communion and connection, for resistance and renewal". we strive to
​ transform our collective isolation into an opportunity for communal solitude, we 
Each of our lives have been upended by Covid.  We've all had to reduce the size of our lives.  

This sudden quietness has been quite an adjustment for a lot of us.

Does the stillness unnerve you?  What tools do you use to settle into the solitude?

This article has some very good points to help ease the fear of death.

A Necessary Conversation envelopes the majority of these recommendations, and I feel, the only way through the fear of death, it to walk through it while one explores the emotions, empowers the medical choices and enriches the relationships in ones lives.  Taken together, the "3-E's" can help ease the fear of death, dying and grief.

Here's a snapshot of the 9 tactics that are provided in the attached article:
1. Use the fear of death as motivation to lengthen your life by practicing healthy habits. 
2. Get older and become less fearful.
3. Open up to gratitude. 
4. Create a legacy.
5. Keep your purpose top of mind.
6. Express your creativity.
7. Let the knowledge of death help you appreciate the sweetness of life.
8. Find social support and talk about your anxieties.
9. Indulge in a little death humor.

​"The premise was simple: people go along, drink tea, eat cake and discuss death: not to be morbid, just to raise awareness and to "help people make the most of their (finite) lives."  Founder Death Cafe, Jon Underwood

What a simple, yet powerful idea!  Gather together, openly discuss death and find a common experience among like-minded people.  The power of having a community to discuss freely the emotions around death awareness can be powerful and profound.  

If you are interested in a Death Cafe - please join one.  

If you want a more of an individualized arena to explore death and dying, please contact me.

If you wish to join A Necessary Conversation small group forum, please email me.

Supporting friends or loved ones when they are experience grief can be difficult.  

We, as a society, are not comfortable with death and grief.  This uncertainty can often cause us to pull away, or to not ask how the bereaved are doing.

It is difficult to watch our friends or loved ones suffer and be in emotional pain.  However, trying to make them feel better or "get over it" is not an emotional healthy way of experiencing grief.

Please realize that grief is a process for each individual, and what may seem like the right or wrong way to experience it, is highly personal.

​Learn more about how you can support those that are grieving.

​In our hearts, we all know that death is a part of life. In fact, death gives meaning to our existence because it reminds us how precious life is".

Death is a reminder that life is impermanent.  Life can change on a dime, and therefore, death is highly unpredictable, in most cases.

Death can teach us to live in the moment.  To enjoy and cherish what we have right now.  To love and appreciate the relationships we have now.  To not take anything for granted, including time.

Grief is hard.  Ignoring grief is harder.  Be courageous and continue to walk with your grief, so that you can begin reconnecting to the beauty of life.

"The Selah Carefarm just outside of Sedona, AZ is the first carefarm for the traumatically bereaved in the U.S. It’s a very special place on 10 acres of beautiful farmland where bereaved family members can come to both give and receive connection, compassion, and understanding. All the animals on the carefarm have been rescued from abuse, neglect, and torture. Our grieving families know what it means to suffer, and so do these animals".

When I visited the Care Farm, I was in awe.  It is located outside of serene Sedona Arizona, where there was wide open spaces of all kinds of animals, with traumatic pasts.  These animals are a direct life line to the bereaved.  They are sometimes shy and slow to trust, but with gentle encouragement and sacred boundaries, I watched both the animals and the grieving slowly give life back to each other.

This is an experience I will never forget, and I am grateful that Dr. Cacciatore, and her team, have provided a sanctuary for healing.

Most of us have heard about "Bucket Lists", but have you ever completed one?

A lot of us focus on things we want to experience when completing a bucket list.  However, what if you focused your list more on changing certain behaviors, so as to reduce the regrets towards the end of ones life.

Here are the 5 regrets shared by the dying, and witnessed by Bronnie Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Don't wait, get into action, and start living with purpose!

Death and dying have changed in  dramatically in America.

People use to die of old age, in their home, with their families surrounding them. Today, people often die from complications of a disease, at a facility or hospital, surrounded by medical staff, and if lucky, loved ones.  

"The dying process today tends to be more extended, in part, because medical treatments can control pneumonia, kidney failure, and other immediate causes of death that accompany cancer, heart disease, and other "slow killers." Because death from these conditions can often be postponed, questions about life-prolonging treatment become central issues for patients, families, and clinicians".

The time is now to look at the importance of gaining end of life knowledge, and understand what medical treatments coincide with what you feel is quality of life.   Do not leave these important decisions to others.  Only you know what you want, and until you take action to get these decisions in writing, and to appoint a Health Care Advocate, medical choices are open to interpretation by others.

In the "olden days", people had little choice in the manner in which they died, and the location of their death.

Today, however, we are aided by technology, which means our dying process can be prolonged and drawn out.  The medical professionals, have changed the way we die, from a natural process to a medical crisis from which we need to be rescued.

Technology does serve a wonderful purpose in health care today, but at a certain point, it might hinder and draw out, the natural death process.  

"Today our societal avoidance of death has led, in part, to “medicalized” dying, by which we mean a dying process facilitated or prolonged by medical intervention. Dying has been removed from the home and community and transplanted in the hospital or institution in an attempt to rescue dying patients from death".

One important fact to consider, is this medical technology delaying death "without necessarily promoting the health and healing of patients"?   If this answer is yes, is this ok with you and your loved ones?

Now is the time, pre-chaos or pre-illness, to look into these kinds of potential scenarios, and get in writing what is important for you.

This article talks about how the Covid pandemic have forced health care providers to start having end of life conversations, often very hastily conversations, since the resources for critical care patients have been greatly reduced due to the pandemic.

This pandemic has clearly shown how ill-prepared all of us are for global crises - hospitals, doctors, nurses and of course, we as individuals.  We cannot prepare for everything, but we can do our part, to bring less confusion to chaotic situations.

We have the power to have a necessary conversation, and to become very clear what's truly important if we are in an end of life situation.  We have the power to make these decisions beforehand.  We have the power to let loved ones know what our wishes are.  We have the power to appoint a health care advocate.  We have the power to get into action.

What is your choice going to be?  Wait for a crisis and see how it works out, or take action, and be part of the solution!

""Given the gloom and painful finality with which we speak about death, it’s no wonder that 56.4 percent of Americans are “afraid” or “very afraid” of the people they love dying, according to a Chapman University study".

"The cultural mindset is that it’s something terrible to be avoided — even though it happens to all of us.
But in recent years, people from all walks of life have begun to publicly push back against that oxymoronic idea. 
It’s called the death positive movement, and the goal isn’t to make death obsolete. This way of thinking simply argues that “cultural censorship” of death isn’t doing us any favors. In fact, it’s cutting into the valuable time we have while we’re still alive".