When You Don't Know What to Say at The End-of-Life

*The following is from Cancer Council, Victoria

When you don't know what to say
People often wonder what they should say to a person who is dying.

It’s understandable that you don’t know what to say – what you feel might be so complex that it’s hard to find the right words, or any words at all.

It is common to worry about saying the wrong thing. Most times, the person who is dying will find comfort in you just being there.

• Listen to what the person who is dying tells you. Try not to prompt an answer that confirms what you think or your hope that things could be better. 
• Try to treat someone who is dying as normally as possible and chat about what’s happening in your life. This makes it clear that they’re still a part of your life.
• Avoid talking in an overly optimistic way, for example, 'You’ll be up in no time'. Such comments block the possibility of discussing how they’re really feeling.
• Apologize if you think you’ve said the wrong thing.
• Let them know if you feel uncomfortable. They might be feeling uncomfortable too. It’s okay to say you don’t know what to say.
• Accept that you or the person dying may cry or express anger. These are natural responses to a distressing situation.
• Ask questions. Encourage them to talk about their life if they’re able to and interested. Talking about memories can help affirm that their life mattered and that they’ll be remembered.
• Just be there. Sometimes it’s the companionship that is most appreciated – sit together and watch television or read.
• Even if they’ve shown no religious interest in the past, that could change as death approaches. You could offer to pray together, but respect their wishes if this is not something they want. If you think they’d find it easier to talk to a spiritual care practitioner, offer to put them in touch with one.

When You Don't Know What to Say