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Father's Day is approaching. For those whom father's have died, or those that have strained relationships with their dad, this day can bring up multiple of feelings.
Similar to Mother's Day, there is often societal norms and expectations that Father's Day will be filled with fun, laughs and love. However, we know this is not always the case, especially for those experiencing sadness and grief on this day. Often grievers wish that others would say the name of the person who died. It reminds the loved ones that others are remembering their dad and they miss him too. Lost and Found Grief Center gives the following tips: Managing the Anticipation of Father's Day Form a Plan for Yourself Think About Social Media Be With People You Love How to Honor Your Father For those wanting to celebrate their dad, there are still ways to do so, such as: Donating to a charity. Make a memorial book. Listen to his favorite music. Creating a memorial garden. Eat a special meal in his honor. Be honest and honor emotions that you may be feeling days leading up to and on Father's Day. These emotions may be intense, or they may not even be on your radar. There is no right or wrong way to remember your dad, just do what feels right for you on this day. Have you ever heard of compassion fatigue?
Compassion fatigue is similar to burnout. It is the feeling that you have no more empathy to give. With all of the mass casualties (Covid) and tragedies that have occurred in the last few years, especially in the last few weeks with the mass shootings of yet again, another school, killing 19 children and 2 adults, in addition to harming physically, emotionally and psychological scores of others within the community and society at large........it is understandable that we often feel that we have no more to give others because we have tapped our emotions to the breaking point. Banner Health Blog offers a few of the symptoms of compassion fatigue:
We all get to watch for these symptoms and take care of ourselves, so we don't lose the compassion for what others are going through. We get to make sure that we take care of our needs - emotionally, physically and spiritually, so that we can be of service to others when they are in crises.
"UVALDE—21 celebrations of life in just two weeks".
In 14 days, there will have been: 19 Celebrations of Life for 19 children and 2 more Celebrations of Life for 2 teachers. Uvalde has two funeral homes, yet hundred of volunteers arrived to help these families celebrate their loved ones in the way they deserve ~ with love, dignity and honor. In the wake of this tragic event - a community has come together to walk alongside these funeral homes and families. "This tragedy led to weeks of back-to-back ceremonies and burials, and the funeral directing community stepped up in droves. Hundreds of offers from within Texas and across the country poured in". "Many mental health experts agree that 9/11, like the pandemic, was a collective trauma that left us peering into the unknown, feeling scared and powerless. Both changed our lives, in some ways irrevocably".
Covid - 19 Ukraine War Mass shooting of children and adults at a school The aftermath of such tragedies and mass casualties can make us feel uncertain, anxious, fearful, sad, angry, hopeless and out of our bodies. In tandem however, we can also feel a sense of community and collective grief. We tend to gather together bonding, attend prayer vigils, create memorials with candles and cards, experience musical concerts and raise money for those whom are suffering. All of these acts of humanity help us to bridge the gap to the senseless and sometimes helpless aspects of experiencing such tragedies. It can also help motivate us to make some sort of change of action to ensure such events wont occur so often. School Shootings and Mass Shootings.
Trauma. Tragedy. Heartache. Anger. Disconnected. Numbness. Shock. Helpless. Hopeless. Despair. Hatred. These are just a few of the emotion that people are feeling after these senseless and disturbing tragic, life altering events here in the USA. Mass trauma affects community, society, nations, and the world at large. We have a common bond of emotions that can affect our physical, mental and spiritual health. Trying to grasp and understand how a person(s) can purposely inflict such grave danger to others, is beyond most of our comprehension. Coming together as a community and collectively grieving and mourning those whom have died, can create a sense of togetherness, like-minded people, that feel the same way and want to make a statement that "we are all in this together". Gatherings together can help build a sense of humanity - acknowledging that kindness and compassion can illustrate that at our core, we all have dignity and want to live harmoniously with others. "There’s a lot we can learn from the palliative care movement: it considers death as meaningful and dying as a stage of life to be valued, supported and lived. Welcoming mortality might actually help us live better lives and support communities — rather than relying on medical systems — to care for people at the end of their lives".
Death has as much value and meaning as birth. However, our society tends to only focus on birth and to deny or not talk about death. What would happen to each our lives, and how would they be transformed if we brought death out of the shadows and into our everyday lives? Would this death awareness help us to truly understand just how precious and unpredictable life is? Would we realize that the "fluff" things we do in life, aren't filling us with joy and meaning? Would we make more of an effort to spend more time with those we enjoy and love? Would we treat others more respectively if we thought today could be our last day? Think of all the different ways death awareness could enhance your live now. "Although most often mourning of a death is done privately within tight knit communities, online social networking sites and particularly Facebook R.I.P. pages are creating public participation in the memorialization of those who have passed".
The way we have mourned has changed dramatically since technology has taken a foothold in peoples lives. Once thought of terrible manners to share the news of a friend, acquaintance or loved ones death online, is now commonplace. This mode of communication can help build a sense of community, especially when one is unable to be with the family or gather at the service. Mother's Day can be beautiful and heartwarming, and also trying with processing difficult emotions.
When it is appropriate to honor your mom, or a mother figure, here are a few ways to give tribute: Write a letter, even if your mom is deceased Adopt something in her honor - something that creates meaning Put it in a jar - writing things you love or loved about mom Donate to moms in need - think about which organization connects with your mom Plant a garden of her favorite flower, plants, herbs etc. What is Bereaved Mothers Day?
Carly Marie Dudley "originally created this special day in 2010 to honour and celebrate the mothers who carry some, if not all, of their children in their hearts rather than their arms". Carly says there is no way anyone can make a mother, parent or family member feel better or make their grief easier, but what they do need is for us to send them a sign that we acknowledge them and support them. Here are a few ways to acknowledge a bereaved mother: Mention my Childs name Remember my child with me Donate in memory of my child Send me a mess of support Celebrate us as a mother (or father) Let me know that you are thinking of me Light a candle in memory of my child For those mothers that are grieving, please know that grief is a natural, normal process, and there are those that can support and guide you through this journey. Several flowers have different meanings associated with them, which can make a floral arrangement as special and unique as the women in our lives.
Carnations - signify purity, faith, love, beauty and charity Gerber Daisies - symbolize innocence, purity, beauty and cheerfulness Tulips - comfort, coziness and happiness Azaleas - a Chinese symbol for womanhood, beauty and love Day Lillies - Asian emblem for mothers for it's beautiful appearance and motherhood Bluebells - calm and soothing traits of a mother, humility and constancy Camelias - light, delicate fragrance that represents longevity and gratitude Roses - traditional mother lighter red or deep pink for gratitude and appreciation yellow - caring nature white - purity and brightness For a lot of us, Mother's Day is a happy, joyous event where we celebrate mom, or the special women our lives.
But for others, MD is difficult but can also be a way to honor and celebrate the death of a mom or child. Bereavement and grief is hard, but finding meaning on MD, after a death, can help to ease some of the suffering. The articles suggests a few ways to cope with Mother's Day Grief, such as: Plan ahead Take Action Reflect Practice self-care Face your grief If you are grieving the loss of a child or pregnancy on Mother's Day, the article hopes the following areas might help to explore: Finding identity as a parent Social expectations and awkward encounters Coping strategies for Mother's Day Grief: Treat yourself with kindness Give kindness to others and Plan the Day Intentionally Mother's Day is approaching and its helpful to be mindful of all the women that have experiences a life-changing experience of losing a baby, either through miscarriage or stillbirth.
There can still be a taboo linked to this worldwide experience, and often women do not receive the appropriate care and respect when their baby dies. Often people, not knowing what to say, often share antidotes of.....things happen for a reason, God wanted your baby, your baby wouldn't have survived, etc. These words often do not help the mother, in fact, they may even cause more harm by not validating the emotions and grief the mom may be experiencing. As Kimberly Van Der Beek shared "I’ve had three miscarriages, all around 10 weeks gestation. I let them all happen naturally. I had a loving husband, a compassionate birthing team and I felt spiritually grounded about them. And even in the best of circumstances, I was devastated every single time. After one of them I sat in the shower crying for almost five hours. What I find disheartening is that not all women, or fathers for that matter, are treated with the same compassion or have support during this gut wrenching time". This article states that although many women have access to the best healthcare, they often receive inadequate care of a death of a baby. For the mother and the family, it is important to have the experience of health care providers showing empathy, care and support, while acknowledging how parents feel and providing clear information and support for the family. Be sensitive when someone loses a baby in pregnancy. Show empathy and provide support for them to talk about how they feel. Don't try to fix how the situation or how they are feeling, just listen. If you have experienced a pregnancy loss, Mother's Day might be very difficult.
This holiday, like the others, can bring up conflicting emotions, and are often hard to verbalize or to share. Grief of a child, whether it happened as a stillbirth or miscarriage, is often not recognized and honored in society. This deeply personal experience is yours, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The article attached shares some ways to cope on Mother's Day, such as: Letting go of feelings of guilt or self blame. Seek help from a professional Join a support group But above all, be kind to yourself, and understand these emotions are normal and you have the right to your feelings. Mother's Day is a holiday honoring mothers and it is observed in different ways throughout the world.
in 1908, Mother's Day was created by Anna Jarvis, but didn't become a national holiday until 1914. This day was created as a way to honor the sacrifices mothers make for their children, while Jarvis argued that American holidays were biased toward male achievements. Later on, Jarvis tried to denounce this day because it had become so commercialized and she felt, had lost its true meaning. Read more to learn more about the history of this day. David Kessler, is a grief expert, and has helped thousands of people, in their darkest times, to live happy and fulfilled lives.
He is also the author of six books, including coauthoring two books, with the famous Elizabeth Kubler Ross. "David’s personal experience as a child witnessing a mass shooting while his mother was dying in a hospital helped him begin his journey. For most of his life, David has taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about the end of life, trauma, and grief. He facilitates talks, workshops and retreats for those experiencing grief. However, despite his vast knowledge on grief, his life was turned upside down by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. It inspired him to write his newest book, Finding Meaning". The Needs of the Dying is a book written about helping us through the last chapter of our lives, which identities several key areas of concerns, such as: The need to be treated as a living human being. The need for hope. The need to be free of physical pain. Read more. The information below is taken from Lumen Learning course, where they talk about 3 aspects of death. Read more about the physiological death, the social death and the psychic death. These aspects do not happen simultaneously.
"One way to understand death and dying is to look more closely at physical death, psychological death, and social death. These deaths do not occur simultaneously. Rather, a person’s physiological, social, and psychic death can occur at different times (Pattison, 1977). Physiological death occurs when the vital organs no longer function. The digestive and respiratory systems begin to shut down during the gradual process of dying. A dying person no longer wants to eat as digestion slows and the digestive track loses moisture and chewing, swallowing, and elimination become painful processes. Circulation slows and mottling or the pooling of blood may be noticeable on the underside of the body appearing much like bruising. Breathing becomes more sporadic and shallow and may make a rattling sound as air travels through mucus filled passageways. The person often sleeps more and more and may talk less although continues to hear. The kinds of symptoms noted prior to death in patients under hospice care (care focused on helping patients die as comfortably as possible) is noted below. When a person no longer has brain activity, they are clinically dead. Physiological death may take 72 or fewer hours. Social death begins much earlier than physiological death. Social death occurs when others begin to withdraw from someone who is terminally ill or has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Those diagnosed with conditions such as AIDS or cancer may find that friends, family members, and even health care professionals begin to say less and visit less frequently. Meaningful discussions may be replaced with comments about the weather or other topics of light conversation. Doctors may spend less time with patients after their prognosis becomes poor. Why do others begin to withdraw? Friends and family members may feel that they do not know what to say or that they can offer no solutions to relieve suffering. They withdraw to protect themselves against feeling inadequate or from having to face the reality of death. Health professionals, trained to heal, may also feel inadequate and uncomfortable facing decline and death. A patient who is dying may be referred to as “circling the drain” meaning that they are approaching death. People in nursing homes may live as socially dead for years with no one visiting or calling. Social support is important for quality of life and those who experience social death are deprived from the benefits that come from loving interaction with others. Psychic death occurs when the dying person begins to accept death and to withdraw from others and regress into the self. This can take place long before physiological death (or even social death if others are still supporting and visiting the dying person) and can even bring physiological death closer. People have some control over the timing of their death and can hold on until after important occasions or die quickly after having lost someone important to them. They can give up their will to live". Do you, or someone you love, have a serious illness? Or....are you just interested in learning more about starting an End-of-Life conversation?
The following articles states that "Planning for your final days is hard, but its an invaluable gift to caregivers and loved ones". Dying is 100% guaranteed. We will all experience a death and we will all die. Most everyone has a story to tell and how they were impacted by a death - good or bad. Considering how we would like to die is an important conversation that the majority of Americans are not having. However, in a survey, most people stated they would like to die at home, surrounded by loved ones. In order for our wishes to be met, we need to have these conversations and discuss our priorities with our physicians and loved ones. Otherwise, we risk leaving these decisions for the important people in our lives to guess what we would want. Read more on how to start these conversations, or contact me. Atul Gawande is a renowned surgeon, writer and public health leader.
He was a practicing general and endocrine surgeon at Brigham and Women's Hospital and a professor at Harvard Medical School and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. In 2022 he became Assistant Administrator for Global Health at USAID. From 2018-2020, he was CEO of Haven, the Amazon, Berkshire Hathaway and JP Morgan Chase healthcare venture. In addition to being a staff writer for The New Yorker, he has written four New York Times best selling books: Complications, Better, The Checklist Manifest and Being Mortal. Being Mortal shows how medicine has truly transformed the dangers of disease to being manageable. However, this books talks about, when it comes to aging and death, medicine can often run counter to what it should do. Being Mortal is a must read for everyone, especially those that are engaging with End-of-Life discussions that deal with options, wishes and priorities. Anders Nilsen poured his grief into his notebooks - which included short cartoons and vignettes, after the death of his fiancé in 2005.
What transpired over the years is a 54 page typed and handwritten notebook exploring the evolution of his grief, called "The End: Revised and Expanded". Anders shares in this article that he had to create his own rituals for his grief, and that "I had to clear space in my life for death". Making space for grief, taking time to be with the emotions, not rushing or putting a timeline on what it "should" look or feel like, will allow you and your loved ones a safe place to "be with grief". What ways have helped you be with grief? As a Death Doula/Midwife, I want to share with individuals and families about varying options at End-of-Life.
So many individuals wish to die and home, with their loved ones near them and the comfort of their home. However, it is not always possible, and for some, it is too difficult to honor these wishes. When making these kind of decisions, it is important for all concerned to speak compassionately and openly about the opportunities and challenges that may lie ahead, and be honest about the care that is needed. Hospice can help to support the families, along with additional support of a Death Doula/Midwife. It is important that the individual and their support interview hospices and doulas. Continue to interview until you find the one that fit your needs. There is no correct way to grieve, and there are various ways to express your grief, and this gentleman, and his friend, found a way to help them release their imaginations and emotions.
Does this resonate with you? It can be hard and difficult to talk about End-of-Life wishes, and therefore decide not to talk about them at all, or just share a few of your preferences.
However, when we do not have candid conversations and share with our loved ones about our wishes, the chances of these decisions being followed through on are very small. It's great that some of you have completed some forms (usually by request of a lawyer), but its imperative to sit down with someone (death doula) and go line by line and discover what each lines means to you and your preferences. After you have completed this first step, congratulations! However, you still need convey this information to your loved ones, and especially, your Health Care Proxy. A death affects more than just the finances in the families...the real costs to loved ones are physical, emotional and spiritual.
This report shows that the US has some gaps to fill, and we need to better the support the dying and their families, before, during and after death. "We asked over 2,000 families from across the US about the death of a loved one, and how much it cost them in terms of money, time, health, and more". The following information below is from the Empathy website: Understanding the true burden of loss 13 months - to handle all affairs; 20 months if the estate goes through probate $12,702 - average expense falling on families after a loved one dies Four family members, on average, were involved in the process of dealing with loss 52% - said dealing with loss harmed their work performance 57% - experienced clinical physical or psychological symptoms of stress Dying in America is expensive, and those costs fall heavy on those who are left behind. Our first annual report investigates the scope of the burden faced by families handling the loss of a loved one, focusing on the practical tasks that take up time, energy, and money but are rarely addressed by bereavement support. Experts in the end-of-life field help us understand how we might use these statistics to better support those dealing with loss. We partner with employers, life insurers, hospices, funeral homes, and others to change the way the world deals with loss. Don't wait to have End-of-Life conversations. It's more effective to have these necessary conversations when one is healthy and not when one is in a medical crisis.
Lean into these open dialogues now, and be proactive in your End-of-Life journey. "According to a 2017 study published in the peer-reviewed Innovation in Aging, waiting to have these discussions until a person experiences a health crisis may be “too little, too late.” This is because the discussions often occur following “triggering events,” when the patient and their family may be too distressed to make the right decisions about imminent care needs". |
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